I thought showing would be the be all and end all-- I thought it would be my way of saying, hey world, I'm not fat, I'm pregnant! But I still feel more fat than pregnant, though I look in the wall of mirrors at yoga and see a woman with thin arms and legs and a belly-- your classic working to bear children silloulette. Will it be this way all the way up to nine months? Will I look in the mirror and only think, damn I need to diet? Or will I pet my belly affectionately like I see other women do?

I already pet it a lot, actually, though that's more a unconscious gesture toward indigestion which is my constant companion so far. I've also got dizziness, and constipation, and mood swings... I have the list and I can check off half the expected effects of pregnancy. I'm scared too, though I'm working on being happy. Be happy! I was chatting with Frank and he said a relative told his wife if she was happy they'd have a happy baby. I don't have to be a mother already to know the difference between having a happy baby and having an unhappy baby. I want a happy one! So I'm focusing: be happy. let worry slide off you. When you want to kill your business partner, be sweet and nice like you used to do to moronic people you had to wait on back on the day. Smile, and promise them their lowfat half caf latte and move on. it'll probably help the indigestion too.

Amnio is next week. I'm scared. I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision to do it... maybe I should have done the prescreenings instead, then decided. Philippe was so insistent though. I'm scared, three levels of scared. scared of that big needle in my belly, scared of a miscarriage (unlikely!) that it could cause, and scared of the results. I have to bed rest for two days after. What am I doing that I have to stay in bed for two days after? Is that a good idea?

The thing is, I'm growing fond of the little kumquat. I talk to him sometimes, when we walk around the house. I feel like I can sense him in there, wriggling around like crazy. I don't feel anything yet, but I just sense him in there. And I'm growing fond. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I'm already falling in love, and I can't even really feel or see him. I feel silly sometimes, like I'm falling in love with my bellybutton, but it's still a real feeling.

Monday I felt terrific when I woke up, like finally it was over. But yesterday I was wretched all morning and today is not much better. I'm not throwing up, but my stomach hurts, my head aches and my body is so tired-- I could go right back to sleep except I'm not sure if that would make me feel better or worse. I move from bed to couch to chair to computer to couch to chair. I eat cereal, drink milk, take tums (it doesn't seem right I can feel heartburn and nasuea at the same time, does it?).

I was I'd started chronicling this earlier, but better late than never.

14 weeks. Both eyes are on the front of the face. Proportional arms, and maybe the option to suck a thumb. Size of a lemon, I'm told, and I'm told that morning sickness should subside, though some women are sick the whole time. Some women. I hope not me. I feel so much more useless than before, it's hard to concentrate, I'm tired all the time. I knowing I'm doing something big, something I'll probably only do once this life, yet I can't help feeling like a slacker. I close my eyes and I picture the ultrasound: a blob with a heartbeat, but oh that heartbeat. I focus on that little heart.