I thought showing would be the be all and end all-- I thought it would be my way of saying, hey world, I'm not fat, I'm pregnant! But I still feel more fat than pregnant, though I look in the wall of mirrors at yoga and see a woman with thin arms and legs and a belly-- your classic working to bear children silloulette. Will it be this way all the way up to nine months? Will I look in the mirror and only think, damn I need to diet? Or will I pet my belly affectionately like I see other women do?
I already pet it a lot, actually, though that's more a unconscious gesture toward indigestion which is my constant companion so far. I've also got dizziness, and constipation, and mood swings... I have the list and I can check off half the expected effects of pregnancy. I'm scared too, though I'm working on being happy. Be happy! I was chatting with Frank and he said a relative told his wife if she was happy they'd have a happy baby. I don't have to be a mother already to know the difference between having a happy baby and having an unhappy baby. I want a happy one! So I'm focusing: be happy. let worry slide off you. When you want to kill your business partner, be sweet and nice like you used to do to moronic people you had to wait on back on the day. Smile, and promise them their lowfat half caf latte and move on. it'll probably help the indigestion too.
Amnio is next week. I'm scared. I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision to do it... maybe I should have done the prescreenings instead, then decided. Philippe was so insistent though. I'm scared, three levels of scared. scared of that big needle in my belly, scared of a miscarriage (unlikely!) that it could cause, and scared of the results. I have to bed rest for two days after. What am I doing that I have to stay in bed for two days after? Is that a good idea?
The thing is, I'm growing fond of the little kumquat. I talk to him sometimes, when we walk around the house. I feel like I can sense him in there, wriggling around like crazy. I don't feel anything yet, but I just sense him in there. And I'm growing fond. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I'm already falling in love, and I can't even really feel or see him. I feel silly sometimes, like I'm falling in love with my bellybutton, but it's still a real feeling.